11/17/2022: 5.55 Miles
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I stand with running right now, and where it ought to be so that I can know exactly what I should be doing in my life right now, and I’ve landed on the fact that at least for now, running can operate effectively as a centerpiece of my life; the thing that holds all my other daily opportunities for happiness and delight together.
Because really, in these stagnant couple of months I have right now, running is the thing that guarantees me a bit of the fierce and feral joy that I so covet to make all the other quiet predictability of life here feel more worthwhile; every stage of life needs a contrasting foil to remind us what makes each particular stage so delightful. I’ve heard it said that experiencing a happy part of your life is one thing, but actively knowing that it is a happy part of your life while it is happening is what makes it rare and special. So running is my way to remind myself that this current era of life at home is a happy time in my life, despite the awkwardness of it.
I have a fear, at times, that running will always be an all-consuming and eternally punishing and painful main facet of my life as I know it. But I realize now that it never needs to be that way again; that while I think I will find much joy in continuing to push myself hard within the sport, I will never be required to do more than I want to on days where I’d much rather be doing something else. I will always give myself permission to not run if there is something else that I would rather do, and I hope that the days where I choose not to run are some of the happiest days of my life, and that the days where I do feel compelled to run will still be satisfactory days; not always the happiest, but certainly it will keep the unhappy days away a bit more. So running will remain an important part of the upkeep of my own life, until it can no longer serve such a purpose. This I decided as I wound wildly through the weird streets of Cambridge, unable to pinpoint exactly where I was but altogether not really caring either, as long as I had a place to put the next foot forward. So until the sport gets old and I find a greater source of personal happiness, Tim’s still running.